Decades of research鈥攁nd conventionally held wisdom鈥攕ay that positive teacher-student relationships matter. But do you really have to love every student? And what if you don鈥檛?
鈥淲e go into [teaching] with the idea that we鈥檙e going to love our students, we鈥檙e going to be like the teachers in the movies, ... all of the kids are going to be motivated, there鈥檚 going to be a soundtrack, it鈥檚 going to be amazing,鈥� said Vickie Crockett, a high school English/language arts teacher in Atlanta. 鈥淚 think we allow ourselves to get boxed into [the idea] that we鈥檙e just going to fall magically in love with all of these disparate personalities that come into our classroom.鈥�
But the reality is not quite like the movies. As most teachers can attest, some students are challenging. They might be disruptive, or disengaged, or even rude. Some might genuinely dislike their teacher for reasons outside of the teacher鈥檚 control. Sometimes, no matter how hard a teacher tries, he or she can鈥檛 鈥渃lick鈥� with a certain student.
Strong student-teacher relationships, however, are linked to both short-term and long-term improvements on multiple measures: higher student academic engagement, better attendance, better grades, fewer disruptive behaviors and suspensions, and lower school dropout rates. These effects hold true regardless of students鈥� individual, family, and school backgrounds.
Experts say that forging positive relationships with the full range of students, including the aloof, withdrawn, and even defiant ones, is not necessarily an intuitive skill鈥攊t comes with training and experience. Yet there鈥檚 a stigma against admitting that connecting with some children is easier said than done, teachers say.
鈥淲e are allowed to say that our spouses frustrate us, we鈥檙e allowed to say our [own] children frustrate us, we鈥檙e allowed to say that we don鈥檛 necessarily like our colleagues or even supervisors,鈥� Crockett said. 鈥淏ut we鈥檙e not allowed to say that there鈥檚 a child that I work with that I find very difficult, and the truth of the matter is that I weep a little inside when I see them coming, and I rejoice when I see them leaving.鈥�
Still, teachers 鈥渄on鈥檛 get to act on those feelings,鈥� she stressed. 鈥淚 do think that it is imperative that we understand where our students are coming from.鈥�
So how do teachers connect with a student who may be hard to like? 91制片厂视频 Week spoke to both experts and veteran teachers from all grade levels to get their advice.
Try not to take it personally. Remember that the disruption and mean comments probably don鈥檛 have anything to do with you, and it鈥檚 human nature not to mesh with everyone, educators said. Still, that鈥檚 easier said than done.
鈥淵ou can鈥檛 judge this person because of the way they鈥檙e behaving in this moment, there鈥檚 always some underlying thing,鈥� said Audrey Green, an 8th grade teacher in Broward County, Fla. 鈥淏ut how do you get through the day if the kid is acting like that all the time?鈥�
For example, she said, a student once told her that she shouldn鈥檛 be a teacher. The comment stung.
鈥淚t鈥檚 very hard to not take it personally,鈥� Green said. 鈥淵ou immediately become the middle schooler. We鈥檙e all human. If you have people berating you all day,鈥� it鈥檚 going to hurt.
That鈥檚 why it鈥檚 important for teachers to learn how to regulate their own emotions, and take a step back in the heat of the moment to calm down, said Allison Riddle, a veteran teacher who is now the elementary mentor supervisor for the Davis school district near Salt Lake City.
鈥淚 felt so much better inside when I was able to just be calm and have empathy for a student鈥攁s soon as I learned, 鈥楾his isn鈥檛 directed at you, this person is in pain,鈥欌�� she said.
Find something to like about a prickly student. A student isn鈥檛 defined by their attitude in class, teachers say.
鈥淚t鈥檚 easy to like the kid who is compliant,鈥� said Wendy Ramos, a high school English teacher in Weslaco, Texas. 鈥淚t鈥檚 more of a challenge to like the kid who鈥檚 giving you trouble; but that doesn鈥檛 mean you can鈥檛. I think you can find things in most students that you like. ... I think that, sometimes, you can even just like the challenge that they鈥檙e giving you, to help you grow as an educator and as a compassionate person.鈥�
This starts with forming relationships with students at the beginning of the year, teachers said. Learn about their interests and hobbies, and try to find common ground.
After all, 鈥渢he more you get to know somebody, the more that you develop empathy for them, the stronger the relationship is,鈥� said Vicki Nishioka, a senior research adviser with the nonprofit group 91制片厂视频 Northwest who studies teacher-student relationships.
Teachers said they try to engage their students in personal conversations before or after class. At the elementary level, recess might even be a place for teachers and students to forge a common bond, said Kevin Parr, a 1st grade teacher in Wenatchee, Wash.
鈥淪itting down one-on-one is almost a confrontation, but if you鈥檙e shooting baskets or playing tetherball, it鈥檚 more of a safe space to talk,鈥� he said.
Step outside the authority role to better connect with students. Don鈥檛 be afraid to open up with students, Nishioka said.
鈥淚t helps students to see [a teacher] as a person who maybe has had some of the same struggles, ... or had some failures and made some mistakes that they鈥檝e recovered from,鈥� she said. 鈥淚 think it鈥檚 important as a model, but also for relationship-building, for students to hear some of those stories.鈥�
When Green, the 8th grade teacher in Florida, allowed her students to use the game Minecraft for a class project, it put her in the learner鈥檚 seat. Her students knew more about how to build virtual worlds in the game than she did.
鈥淵ou become human,鈥� she said. 鈥淸They see] you are fallible, and you鈥檙e trying.鈥�
Build a positive classroom culture. It鈥檚 important for all students to feel welcomed by their teachers, experts said.
鈥淚 think that establishing a sense of belonging for students is so essential for them to want to come [to class], for them to want to engage with teachers,鈥� Nishioka said. 鈥淚 can鈥檛 tell you how many times a student has told me I did my homework, but I was mad at the teacher so I didn鈥檛 turn it in.鈥�
That鈥檚 why it鈥檚 critical to continue to try to show support to students, even if they鈥檙e resistant, teachers said.
鈥淓ven just a little smile can go a long way,鈥� Parr said. 鈥淚f you act positively toward a kid, eventually they鈥檒l act positively toward you. They鈥檒l gain the trust.鈥�
Also, other students can help: 鈥淚f there鈥檚 a positive classroom environment, and everyone is treating each other respectfully, ... over time, that challenging student will assimilate to the rest of the group,鈥� Parr said.
And when a student isn鈥檛 acting appropriately, teachers have to be 鈥渆motional detectives,鈥� said Tyrone Howard, a professor of education at the University of California, Los Angeles鈥� graduate school of education, who co-wrote an upcoming book called .
A teacher should try to pick up on cues that a student is upset about something, he said, and ask questions like, 鈥淚s there anything I can do to assist, or maybe just lend an ear? Do you need some additional time to complete an assignment? Is everything OK? Do you need a counselor you want to talk to?鈥�
鈥淚 think students can tell if teachers really are truly interested in their well-being by demonstrating what I call authentic care,鈥� Howard said.
Build a relationship with parents, too. They can be both a valuable ally and an insight into why the student is acting out, teachers say.
Crockett, the English teacher in Atlanta, said reaching out to parents early on gives her a 鈥減artner at home鈥攕omeone I know who is batting on my team.鈥�
One time, she said, she had a student who 鈥渓oathed鈥� her and would push back on everything she said. Crockett met with the student鈥檚 mother, who immediately knew the problem鈥擟rockett looked just like the student鈥檚 father鈥檚 new girlfriend. The mother was then able to talk to her child and help her get through the school year.
鈥淚 was never her favorite, and she was never mine, but we were able to reach a compromise,鈥� Crockett said. 鈥淚t鈥檚 not the ideal, but sometimes it鈥檚 the reality.鈥�
Make sure to confront any unconscious biases or stereotypes. Data show that black students are more likely to be disciplined at school at disproportionate rates. And teachers make the first decisions about behavioral consequences.
Nishioka said it鈥檚 important for teachers to confront their implicit biases, which might influence how they treat students in their classroom. For example, white teachers鈥攚ho make up 80 percent of the profession鈥攎ight see a black student as more aggressive or unruly than a white student, and could dole out harsher consequences for similar behavior.
鈥淚 think many teachers will say, 鈥業鈥檓 fair to everybody,鈥� so it really takes a lot of work, and probably work that they need to do on their own but also in partnership with other people,鈥� Nishioka said. 鈥淚 think it鈥檚 hard to look at yourself inwardly without getting some information from teachers around you.鈥�
Part of that, Nishioka said, comes from having a school community that values the cultural differences of students and teachers.
鈥淚f we begin to ask students and listen to them about their story, then we begin to appreciate and maybe begin to challenge some of our own misconceptions or opinions that we made about the students,鈥� she said.
Don鈥檛 try to force a resolution with a student who is not receptive. Trying to resolve a problem when the student and the teacher are still upset won鈥檛 be productive, teachers say.
Riddle, the elementary mentor supervisor in Utah, said she learned over the years that it鈥檚 important to give everyone involved some space and calm down before addressing the conflict.
鈥淚t feels better to walk away and let a child de-escalate than it does to stand there and stay angry,鈥� she said. 鈥淚t feels better for everyone. ... It feels better for the learning atmosphere.鈥�
Students still have to be held responsible for their work, their effort, and their actions, Riddle said, but it will be more productive if they鈥檙e allowed to calm down first. 鈥淵ou have to give grace sometimes,鈥� she said.
Even in the long-term, some students might not want to build a relationship with their teacher, despite the teacher鈥檚 best efforts.
鈥淥ne of the things that kills teachers is that there are always going to be students who, for whatever reason, don鈥檛 engage or are not receptive,鈥� Howard said. 鈥淵ou shouldn鈥檛 press it, if students are not wanting to receive it, because that can oftentimes go really bad.鈥�
Instead, he said, teachers should be consistent and let students know they鈥檙e always available to talk.
Don鈥檛 expect instant results. Building meaningful relationships with students takes time, experts said, and it might take longer than a semester or even a school year to yield fruit.
鈥淚鈥檝e seen over the years teachers say that a student that they thought they never made an impact with will come back a year later or two years later and say, 鈥業 appreciate you because you always checked. I never did open up, but you continued to check to see how I was doing, you still made yourself available,鈥欌�� Howard said. 鈥淲e tell teachers, don鈥檛 always expect immediate results.鈥�
Green, the 8th grade teacher, said she鈥檚 had a few challenging students reach out years later鈥攁 sign that she was doing something right, even if it might not have felt like it at the time.
鈥淭hey come back from high school where they鈥檝e matured and say, 鈥業 get it now,鈥欌�� she said. 鈥淚t doesn鈥檛 happen that often. But that鈥檚 where the measurement should be.鈥�
