Do you dread parent meetings鈥攐r find that they don鈥檛 yield the results you wish they did?
At their worst, such meetings (especially when they focus on a problem) are packed with defensiveness, frustration, guilt, and fear for parents, teachers, and students. All parties want to 鈥済et it over with.鈥� But by sharpening your facilitation skills, you can keep a parent meeting from degenerating into a dance of blame. Here鈥檚 how:
鈥� Build relationships with parents throughout the school year.
I remember this nugget from a workshop: 鈥淪tudents don鈥檛 care what you know, until they know you care.鈥� The same is true for our relationships with parents, too.
Make a short phone call to each parent before there is bad behavior or low grades to report. I introduce myself, invite them to an upcoming event, and mention something positive I鈥檝e noticed about their child. Not a profound realization鈥攋ust something to show I am getting to know the child as an individual.
Call again, as often as is practical for you. My school鈥檚 structure and schedule now makes it possible for me to call monthly鈥攂ut this is a new luxury. A checklist helps, but I don鈥檛 go down the list methodically. Instead, I try to notice good things that my students are doing: helping others; giving a thoughtful response to a problem; or offering an insightful question.
Call when problems emerge鈥攏ot after they鈥檙e fully developed. I never want the first problem-initiated call to be about something terrible. Instead, I make a quick call when the problem is small and the issue is resolved for the time being. I focus on the resolution鈥攏ot the behavior. I praise how the student took responsibility and is working to remedy the situation. If the problem persists or worsens, then the parents know what we鈥檝e been doing to work on it.
鈥� Schedule meetings for a time when other teachers can be present.
Most parents are more likely to think that it is worth taking time off work if they can meet with more than one of their child鈥檚 teachers. And it is common for an issue to be affecting a student鈥檚 performance in multiple classes. My school鈥檚 structure and schedule makes it easy to arrange meetings with a student鈥檚 other teachers during the school day. But even before our schedule changed, I often collaborated with other teachers to propose a time when we could meet with the parent(s) together.
鈥� Start by accentuating the positive.
I like to begin by having everyone in the room share one or two of the student鈥檚 strengths. Because everyone enters the conversation with a positive insight about the student, it鈥檚 difficult for the meeting to slip into the shame/blame mindset. There are no conflicting alliances: We are all on the student鈥檚 side, helping him or her to succeed. This exercise also helps everyone to recognize the skills and assets that the student already has.
鈥� Define what success will look like鈥攁nd be realistic.
In parent meetings, I do not dwell on the negative. Instead, I mobilize the group to develop a road map to support a student鈥檚 success (not just the absence of a problem).
After talking about the student鈥檚 assets and strengths, I pose this question to the group: 鈥淚magine it鈥檚 June, and we are talking about how well the year has gone for Sarah. When everything is going well for Sarah at school, what will that look like?鈥�
Responses may lie within some well-worn paths: good attendance, improved grades, fewer discipline issues, etc. However, I encourage the group to talk specifically about what these criteria for success really look like.
Why do I need to push for what鈥檚 realistic? Students (who want such meetings to end as soon as possible) often say what they believe to be the right words. And parents (especially those who want their child鈥檚 teachers to think well of them) will set overly ambitious, near-perfect goals for their child.
It鈥檚 easy to say, 鈥淣o more discipline problems.鈥� How realistic is that? I think it is better to talk about how we are all going to deal with the future issues so that they won鈥檛 become the kinds of big problems that prompted the current meeting.
Likewise, it is easy for the child to say, 鈥淚鈥檓 going to start doing my homework.鈥� If it were this simple, the child would already be doing it. Rather, a realistic goal might be something like, 鈥淲hen everything is going well, Carlos will be taking the 4:30 bus home on Tuesdays and Thursdays, after he has spent an hour in the tutoring center.鈥�
鈥� Together, draw the map for success.
Next, I pose this question: 鈥淗ow are we going to reach our goal, starting from where we are now?鈥�
Here鈥檚 where the meeting could slip into the 鈥渂lame game鈥� pattern in which each party talks about what the other parties need to do. Instead, each person at the meeting needs to offer what he or she is willing to do (or change) to help the student achieve success.
My colleagues and I explain what we are willing to offer: extra credit or a modified grading plan to allow the student to improve their grades; a secret warning system to help correct the student behavior without embarrassing her in front of the class; a time when we will be available for tutoring.
Students need to offer what they will do differently: go to tutoring; help create the behavior modification technique that the teacher will use in the future; and commit to doing extra credit. Parents do likewise, promising to talk with their child about school, help with homework, or email the teacher for status updates.
鈥� Follow through.
Follow-through (which I emphasize throughout the meeting) is where the rubber of our plans and commitments meets the road of reality. We must be mindful about what we are willing to commit to doing or changing during the meeting鈥攊f we don鈥檛 have follow-though, we will see no change. If I said at the meeting that I would stay late every Tuesday, then I need to make arrangements to do that.
鈥� Follow up.
The meeting attendees must stay in touch. For my colleagues and me, a shared prep period helps鈥攁nd we see the student in class each day. I use email to provide periodic updates to parents after a meeting. I copy my colleagues, so that anyone can then comment, replying to the whole group.
鈥� Make adjustments.
In the end, the only follow-through I can control is my own. If the student, parent, or another teacher isn鈥檛 following through, then I need to make adjustments to the plan.
I do not berate or lecture anyone who is not following through. I believe this serves no purpose. Usually, the person who isn鈥檛 following through made commitments that were too ambitious, or needs to recommit. We work together to figure out the best adjustments for the situation.
鈥� Celebrate success.
In June, I contact my student and his or her parents and we talk about how close we came to achieving the goals we set at the original meeting. We discuss the actions and adjustments we made to our road-map to get to where we are now, as well as how this plan for success can help the student start the next year on the right foot. I remind the student and parents that I will still be at the school (and will still care about them) next September.
And in the end, a meeting that I originally called because of a serious problem (a meeting that could have been a 鈥渄ance of blame鈥�) can lead to great things. When all goes well, I have the privilege to take part in a multi-year relationship with a family鈥攁nd, on graduation day, my eyes fill with tears of pride.
